But still.I do, usually, mean to do the right thing. I make promises to myself. But, truth is, I don’t always mean it. Can an internal misstatement of motive — a lie to myself — be, on some level, aspirational? Understandable?Out there somewhere is someone I would like to be ... intend to be. Yet, I can’t pretend to be outside of my own moral concerns. Can’t ignore the salience of my own behavior. The lawlessness.On the other hand, I can’t live my life like I’m in a ... an austere Presbyterian church. Hard pews and upright angles. I can’t listen only to the sermon with Protestant rectitude in a room with clean lines and unadorned surfaces.Fuck.Mitchum, and his still-silent wife, had a new look. Green eyeliner on the right, blue on the left.We took surface streets again to Wilshire. Turned right off La Cienega and cruised to Gloria’s office building. Carmen was waiting for me, coffee service already laid out. Bowl of mini Snickers bars. It was fifteen minutes before nine.She smiled. She thought about doing the same with her anus, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead she soaped her ass well and ran her fingers through the crease. But she felt sore there and had to give up.She turned off the taps, dried herself, and went back in the bedroom. The men were still sleeping. She found her clothes on the floor. Her panties were stiff with dried semen but she put them on anyway. She stepped into her sundress and pulled it up.In the kitchen, she searched for coffee, found a jar of instant in one of the cupboards. She boiled water in a kettle, made a cup, and sat at the kitchen table, thinking.She was horrified at what she had done, and was at a loss to explain it. Perhaps it had been revenge, the best medicine some say. But if this was medicine it felt empty, like a hollow pill.Replaying the events in her head, she knew that it had started in Adam’s truck. She had had no intention of cheating on Bob, despite her earlier thoughts to the contrary. No, it was the.
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